Sunday, July 02, 2006

iTunes Is A Bastard

By Josh Lamkin
iTunes, while convenient and amazing, is a bastard. iTunes is a bastard computer program. iTunes is the most selfish, passive-agressive computer program maybe of all time. I know there's not really a lot of "all time" from which to select selfish and passive-agressive computer programs, but I defy you name a program that is more of a bastard.

Let me elaborate.

Itunes is selfish. It hogs your computer when you're running it. Sure, iTunes plays tasty songs for you. It fills your ears with milk-chocolatey goodness, or gooey gooey gumdrops of goodness if you're insane and don't like chocolate. Right now my iTunes is playing "Dark State Of Mind" by Tuatara. Earlier I was listening to Luigi's Found On The Forest Floor album and fantasizing about what it would be like to make out with Luigi lead singer Michelle Dubois. Next, I plan to listen to "Canned Heat" by Jamiroquai and do my best Napoleon Dynamite dance moves. I enjoyed/am enjoying/will enjoy all of these musical experiences. The only thing is that iTunes just WILL NOT let you run any other program while you are running iTunes. When you are running iTunes all of the other programs you are attempting to run act like they just ate a huge meal of Mexican food and then took a bunch of Mescaline. They lag, they freeze up, they snore, they hallucinate.

iTunes is also passive-agressive. There's something about iTunes' volume control that makes you have to turn your computer's volume up to absurd levels in order to rock out to "Anti-Anti" by Snowden. So you're rocking out and maybe, I don't know, you're trying to surf the internet(s) at the same time. Maybe you're looking at the message board for the worst show in the entire world, Last Comic Standing, and here's the passive-agressive bullcrap iTunes pulls on you. Because iTunes made you turn your computer up so loud, every time you click a link and a new page opens that little clicking sound, that little clave sound, that satisfying Kabuki clack sound crashes out of your speakers like someone just smart bombed your neighbor's house. See, that's iTunes being pissy and jealous. It's like the computer program equivalent of getting mad and slamming the kitchen cabinets.

iTunes is a bastard. I think you know what I'm talking about now.


Blogger newwavegurly said...

Um, I don't have those sort of problems when I run iTunes.

10:29 AM, July 03, 2006  
Blogger header5 said...

I never use mine but my brother uses it on my computer. What kind of computer do you have? I have a MAC. Maybe its just you. Maybe it just doesn't like you? Maybe it knows all these bad things you say about it? HAL :)

6:22 PM, July 03, 2006  
Blogger Lamkini said... bring up an interesting point. I have noticed this phenomenon on many computers of varying levels of crapitude so I think it's the program. Also, I don't think iTunes has quite figured out how to infiltrate my brain. But how can I be sure???

7:51 PM, July 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anaid said...

You probably have the Sound Check feature on, it analizes the sound level of all the songs in your library and plays them with the same "volume", so if you have songs that were ripped in worse quality than others those will "pull down" the volume of rest of the songs.

Edit -> Preferences -> Playback. :)

4:14 PM, October 08, 2006  

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